Of

 23 September 2005

Infos about me!

Hi, my name is Leyna Marie Holstine. I was born at the 23 September 2005 in Syracuse, New York. I had 2pounds 9.6 ounces (1182gramms) and I was 15inches (39cm) long. I was born at 14.09h .My mommy’s name is Nadine and my daddy’s name is Travis. Mommy and daddy live in Fort Drum, NY. I got my wings three hours after my birth , so I never had the chance to see my beautiful nursery and home. Mommy and daddy try to have children since they are married. I’m the first born  and only child. Mommy and daddy are really proud of me!  

                                
My birth story!         
It was February when mommy and daddy discovered that mommy was pregnant. Man, where they happy after two miscarriages! That was what they hoped for so long!  Still they were scared something could happen again.
The 10week US came and everything was fine. Mommy saw my  little heartbeat. It was the first time she made it so far!
The weeks passed and no complications accrued. Daddy just came back from the field (he is in the military). Right in the time for mommy’s  18weeks ultrasound. He wanted to see his baby for the first time and they also wanted to know if I’m a boy or girl. Totally happy they went to the clinic on post.
The US lady was really quit. She took more pictures then normal. Mommy got a wired feeling in her stomach and started to ask questions. "Do you know what it is? Is everything ok?”. She just explained to mommy and daddy that she wasn’t allowed to tell them and they would have to wait for the next appointment at the OB/GYN. Mommy was angry! That was still a week away! Daddy looked really disappointed, too. He also couldn’t wait to know.
They were a half hour at home when the phone rang. It was mommy’s OB/GYN. She asked mommy if she wanted to know what they will get. Sure, mommy wanted to know. She told mommy to come to her office downtown. She wanted to talk with her and daddy anyways. Mommy’s wired feeling came back again. Something wasn’t right here! Daddy tried to calm mommy down. She almost started to cry in the car. She just knew something wasn’t right with me  !

my feet

They arrived at the office and didn’t had to wait long until they called them in. Mommy’s face was red. She still tried to smile and not let her doctor see that she was scared. She asked mommy and daddy to sit down. They couldn’t wait anymore. “So what is it! Everything is ok with the baby, isn’t it?!" She smiled at mommy and said "It’s a girl!" Mommy jumped because she was so happy . A little girl. She couldn’t believe it!

Then came the words my parents never forget “We have found some abnormalities! Something is not right, she has birth defects!" Tears were running down mommy’s face. The rest seemed to them like in a bad dream. She explained my parents that they have found coriod plexus cysts in my brain, my hands would be clenched  and they found an omphalocelle. Mommy and daddy didn’t understand they just got told. Would their little baby girl die or can they fix this. She explained my parents that this would be considered a high risk pregnancy now and that I would have all sings of a genetically defect called Trisomy 18, but she said maybe it is nothing. They want mommy and daddy to see a specialist for to be on the save side. My parents just thought: “How could that be? Yesterday everything was still fine. How could that change so fast?!”

my left hand

Following Monday mommy and daddy had an appointment at the prenatal specialist in Syracuse. They still tried to hope for the best . They made a level 2 ultrasound. The doctor came in, after they waited for an hour in his office. They still thought " If they let us wait so long, maybe everything is ok?! They are not in a hurry!" He started “I just can confirm what your OB/GYN told you. We also found more defects". More defect?! Mommy and daddy couldn’t believe what they heard! Mommy couldn’t see anymore, because of all that tears in her eyes! He told them that they also found out that I have a heart defect and rocker bottom feet. Then he asked mommy and daddy if they would know what Trisomy 18 is. Mommy told him that she would know. She got the day before information on the internet about it because she wanted to know what they were talking about and how my future would look like. He told my parents he would be really sure that I would have this disorder but he advised them to have an amniocenteses done. Then he asked mommy and daddy the most horrible question they had ever heard. “You have to think about, if you want to continue the pregnancy or not. If you don’t, you have to be latest in 2weeks in the hospital." Mommy thought she didn’t hear right! How could he ask her this?! He just told them that I’m really sick and the chances that I survive the first few minutes or day is almost 0%. And he wants to know, if mommy and daddy want to have an abortion. They couldn’t decide this right now!!! They needed time! Before they left, they went for to get the amnio done. On the way home they just cried. They thought: “Why us? Why our baby?” They couldn’t understand it. Daddy tried to be optimistic and told mommy to wait for the results of the amnio. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe I (just) had the birth defect and they could fix the problem?!
One week passed by and the phone rang again. This time it was the genetic counselor. She asked mommy if she wants to know the results of the amnio. She already knew the result but she wanted to hear it from her doctor! "She has Full Trisomy 18! I want to see you tomorrow at 10am " Mommy said ok and trooped the phone and started to cry. She couldn’t stop anymore. Now it was final! They couldn’t change the outcome anymore! They knew I would get my wings early and go to heaven. Mommy called my daddy and he came straight home from work.

me right after birth

The next morning my parents went to the office of the genetic counselor. Mommy just had tears running down her face. She explained mommy and daddy in detail how this happened and what they had to expect. The only good news was that it didn’t come from them. Mommy and daddy didn’t do anything for to cause this. It was a will of nature. Still mommy felt guilty. She thought it was her fault! Why wasn’t mommy be able to have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby! They didn’t had an answer! Then the doctor asked my parents how they had decided. If they wanted to carry me to full term or say early good bye. They hadn’t really thought about this because they still hoped that I would be healthy! They asked the doctor for more time! She told mommy and daddy  to call her within the next three days and let her now.
My parents  were angry and sad. Mommy just cried and cried. On the way home mommy told daddy with tears in her eyes "I think we name her Leyna Marie! I like this name!"  Daddy smiled and said "OK". Mommy knew daddy liked that name too because they was searching month for to find a right name for me. So I got my name. Leyna Marie!

I have a nose like daddy

At home my parents started to think about what they would do. Daddy was worry something could happen to mommy! Mommy knew she couldn’t have an abortion. She already loved me. I was her little daughter. She could feel me move and kick. I really liked to kick my mom. Defiantly at night. After talking about all pros and contras mommy and daddy decided to carry to term. Mommy was happy! She didn’t have to decide anymore over my live. They would let nature take care of me or wait until I would decide that it is getting to small in mommy’s belly.  The weeks passed by and everything during the pregnancy seemed to be normal. Mommy and daddy started to build their hopes up again. Maybe the test was wrong. They started to finish my nursery, bought a stroller and made a bith plan. Everything what normal expectant parents do!
At 30 weeks at mommy’s weekly appointment they discovered that mommy had to much ammonic fluid. They admitted mommy to the hospital. They made a pressure amnio and took 2liters ammonic fluid out of mommy’s belly. They said they would monitor mommy for an hour and then she could go home if everything was fine. I didn’t like this amnio so much, so , mommy went into preterm labor. My parents were scared. Mommy just hoped" Please, Leyna don’t come today! It’s to early!" I heard her words. After they gave mommy a magnesium IV and two shots to stop the labor, I decided to stay a little bit longer. I liked it anyways in mommy’s belly. The next morning Mommy could go home.

I have the same lipps like mommy

The next appointment came and mommy’s ammonic fluid was at the normal level. She had the feeling she would leak fluid but they told mommy and daddy everything would be fine. Mommy and daddy scedueled with the doctor an appointment for to introduce labor with pedocin. Since my normal due date was the 13th of November, they decieded to do it on the 6th of November. Mommy and daddy wanted to see me alive, so they thought a sceduled birth would be the best. In case that my heart rate would trop during the birth, mommy would be able to have a emergancy c-section.
At 32weeks 4days mommy had the next appointment. She had no contractions. My heartbeat was better then ok. Everything seemed to be fine. Then they examined mommy and she tested positive for ammonic fluid. Her membrane was ruptured. They admitted mommy right away to the hospital and told her she would have to stay there until she was able to deliver me with 34weeks. Mommy still believed I  would be born alive, she still didn’t gave up the hope that I would survive. They thought there are cases where the babies survive the first year. Why not me?!
In the evening the doctor stopped by. Daddy was outside for to smoke one. The doctor didn’t brought good news. He explained mommy that he had talked with the doctor of the NICU and they both think I would have the best chances for to be born alive if they would get me out tomorrow. I was lying with my feet down, so mommy would have to have a c-section. To that mommy’s risk for an infection was too high. The doctor told mommy if she ever want to have kids again she should decide to have the c-section tomorrow. Mommy was shocked and cried. Here she was laying in her bed and believed that they would keep me for at least another two  weeks in her belly and now there was there this doctor and told her something about tomorrow afternoon. Mommy knew I wouldn’t survive it if they would get me out tomorrow. It was to early, my lungs wasn’t developed enough. She also knew they wouldn’t do anything for to keep me alive, because of my Trisomy18. Mommy was scared. She told the doctor she wants to decide this with daddy together and she would call him for to let him now. When daddy came back mommy broke down . She told him crying what she just heard. Daddy told mommy he couldn’t handle if something would happen to her. He didn’t want to lose mommy, so he thought it would be the best if they would have the c-section. Mommy didn’t know what was right or wrong, so she said ok. Mommy didn’t want to lose me but she also didn’t want to risk her health. Mommy felt guilty and selfish!
Daddy had to drive home again and report into work for to give his commander an up date on the situation. Mommy staid the night alone in the hospital. She was scared and she cried. Her eyes were swollen and red. The nurses tried to calm mommy down that she could get a little bit rest before tomorrow but mommy couldn’t sleep.

Mommy’s c-section was scheduled for 1pm. At 10am daddy came back from post and my grandma Dee arrived 10minutes before 1pm from Oklahoma. She wanted to be with mommy and daddy. When they brought mommy to the operating room the tears was running down her face. Oh, god she was so scared! I could feel how nervous she was. Mommy knew what would go to happen! Today, she would have to say good bye to her loved baby, me, her Leyna Marie!!! Mommy was shaking on her whole body. They told mommy to relax for to put the spinal anesthesia in her back. She couldn’t. Mommy cried so much that she couldn’t see anything anymore.  Her legs started to get numb and they laid mommy down. Then they started. Mommy was up and about to jump from the table and scream" You are not going to get my baby. You won’t take her away from me!" But mommy couldn’t! It was to late! Daddy came in and sat down next to mommy’s head. After a few minutes they heard somebody saying “The baby is out!". Mommy was listening. She couldn’t hear anything! She cried “Why is she not screaming? Is she alive???" Mommy didn’t got an answer. She was shocked. She thought her little daughter; her little angel is already gone!
The doctor from the NICU came over and asked my parents if they want to see me. The doctor told mommy and daddy I would be alive but I would be a little bit blue because of my heart defect. I wouldn’t have the omphalocelle anymore but I would have a hard time breathing. Sure, mommy and daddy wanted to see and hold me. They brought me over and put me in daddy’s arms. Mommy touched my little face. Mommy and daddy thought I`m so beautiful. I opened my eyes and tried to cry. That was the best sound mommy and daddy ever had heard in their live. Daddy put me on mommy’s breast while the doctors were still closing mommy up. I felt so warm! So protected and save. I could feel how much my parents love me. I was a pretty little baby. Mommy and daddy’s baby! I didn’t look at all like I was sick!

They brought us in the recovery room. Mommy hold me the whole time in her arms. She just could stare at me. Mommy didn’t know what to tell me instead of how pretty I am and how much they love me. Sarah our nurse came in and asked mommy and daddy if they want to dress me. My parents had some preemie close they bought for me, so they gave me a bath and dressed me up. I looked so beautiful, so perfect. Ten little fingers and toes. I had daddy’s nose, a cute little face and like mommy at her birth red blond curly hair. They took a lot picture of me and Sarah made some plaster mold foot prints from me.
After a few hours mommy and daddy felt how I slowed down breathing and how I started to get colder. I was already tiered and I didn’t want to fight anymore. Mommy gave me to daddy and he told me how much he loves me. He pressed me on his body and started to cry. My parents knew they would have to say "Good Bye" soon. Daddy gave me back to mommy. He couldn’t handle it anymore and had to leave the room. Grandma followed him.
Mommy was alone with me. She pressed me on her body and told me that she will be always with me, that she love me and that I could stop to fight, now. It would be ok if I would go. Mommy started to sing my favorite lullaby "Hush, little baby". That always put me to sleep in mommy’s belly. I closed for the last time my eyes and fell peacefully asleep in mommy’s arms!
When daddy and grandma came back they saw the tears in mommy’s eyes and called for the nurse. She and the doctor came and listened for my heartbeat. Their little angel was gone!
They allowed mommy and daddy to keep me with them in the room until they were ready for to let me go. They kept me for a few more hours. Holding me and kissing me. They all cried. My parents didn’t want to let me go but they had to. When the nurse came and picked me up it felt so final. It was so hard to say good bye.
Before the man from the funeral home came to pick me up and fly me to Oklahoma, the nurse came in and asked mommy and daddy if they want to see me a last time. They couldn’t they wanted to remember me how I was when I was alive. Lying warm in their arm and not cold. They couldn’t handle to say "Good Bye" a second time. They didn’t want to make it harder. What mommy and daddy didn`t know was, that I was already in heaven and playing with the other children. I was looking down for to see how they were doing. If they just could see me up here.
Two days later they let mommy out of the hospital. Grandma Gaby and aunt Mareike came from Germany to visit and help mommy and daddy in the household and with organizing the funeral. On Wednesday they all flew out to Oklahoma for the funeral which was planned for Sunday.
On Friday They went to the funeral home for to bring me all my toys what They want to give with me. Mommy’s little three year old cousin had drawn a picture for me and gave mommy one of her stuffed animals. She said" That Leyna has something to read in heaven!". Mommy thinks that was so cute from her. It mad mommy cry and smile at the same moment. Daddy and mommy had bought three times the same teed bear. One for to give with me, one for daddy and one for mommy. So, that we always could be close together. My aunt bought a little necklace for me with a heart on it. The heart had a little cross in craved. So, that I would be always protected and would know that my family loves me. It was the first time, since I got my wings, that they would see me again. It was so hard for my parents to see me lying in this little casket! Mommy just could look at me and was thinking “Please wake

up Leyna, open your eyes. Then everything will be ok again and we can go home!" She wanted to pick me  up and hold me in her arms. Just one more time. But she couldn’t. It was to late! Mommy wasn’t allowed anymore. I wish I could have cuddled one more time with her too.

On Saturday we had family day at the funeral home. A lot of people came. I didn’t know the most of them. They told mommy and daddy how sorry they are. Mommy didn’t even hear what they were saying. She just saw them their mouth moving. Mommy still thought, it’s just a bad dream. This didn’t really happen!
On Sunday we had the service. My aunt and my uncle Justin, daddy’s older brother, was reading a letter my parents wrote for me. They also played two songs mommy and daddy  choose. "In My Daughters Eyes" and "I Can Only Imagine". Today would be the last day they would see me, their little daughter! They still didn’t believe that I was gone. They didn’t want to believe!
At the cemetery they all waited until they let my casket in the grave. Every one of them did throw a red rose in my grave and they all released pink heart shaped balloons.  The pink hearts stood for their love to me and they released them as a sing that they had to let me go. Daddy’s cousins eight year old son didn’t want to release his balloon. He didn’t want to let go of the balloon like my parents didn’t want to let go of me.
The next morning my family flew back to Syracuse, NY. It was hard for them to leave me their little girl in Oklahoma behind. Knowing that they couldn’t go to my grave every day and talk to me. But at least they knew I would be with my great-grandparents. They would watch over me until we would see us one day in heaven again.

“I hope wherever Leyna is, she is loved and she will watch over us. I always imagine she sits on a cloud and is looking down. She is our little angel and she will be always in our heart. We love her, and nobody can take that 3hours from us we got to spend with her! Even if it was a hard decision, I would decide every time like this again!”
Nadine