Leyna Marie Holstine`s Website!
Leyna Marie is our daughter. She had a cenetical disorder called trisomy 18. She was born at 14.09h at the 23 September 2005 in Syracuse, NY. She weigt 2pounds 6.9ounces (1182 Gramm) and was 15inches (39cm) long. She had the most cute little face we have ever seen, daddys nose and the curly redblond hair like mommy had when she was born. Leyna got her wings at 17.00h. We miss her very much!
Leyna Marie`s story!
It was February when we discovered that I was pregnant. Man, where we happy after two misscaraiges! That was what we hoped for so long! Still we were scared something could happen again.
The 10week US came and everything was fine. I saw my baby`s little heartbeat. It was the first time I made it so far!
The weeks passed and no complications accured. My husband just came back from the field ( he is in the military). Right in the time for my 18weeks US. He wantet to see his baby for the first time and we also wanted to know if it is a boy or girl. Totally happy we went to the clinic on post.
The US lady was really quit. She took more pictures then normal. I got a wired feeling in my stomach and started to ask questions. "Do you know what it is? Is everything ok?" . She just explained to me that she wasn`t allowed to tell me and I would have to wait for my next apointment at the OB/GYN. I was angry! That was still a week away! My husband looked really dissapointed, too. He also couldn`t wait to know.
We was a half hour at home when the phone rang. It was my OB/GYN. She asked me if I wanted to know what we will get. Sure, I wanted to know. She told me I would have to come to her office downtown . She wanted to talk with me and my husband anyways. My wired feeling came back again. Something wasn`t right here! My husband tried to calm me down. I almost sarted to cry in the car. I just knew something wasn`t right
!We arrived at the office and didn`t had to wait long until they called us in. My face was red. I still tried to smile and not let her see that I was scared. She asked us to sit down. I couldn`t wait anymore. " So what is it! Everything is ok with the baby, isn`t it?!" She smiled at me and saied "It`s a girl!" I jumped because I was so happy
. A little girl. I couldn`t belive it! Then came the words I never forget " We have found some abnormalitys! Something is not right, she has birthdefects!" Tears were running down my face
. The rest seemed to us like in a bad dream. She explaiened us that they have found coriod plexus cysts in her brain, her hands would be balled together and the found an omphalocelle. We didn`t understand what she told us there. Would our little babygirl die or can we fix this. She explaiend us that this would be considert a high risk pregnancy now and that Leyna would have all sings of a genetically defect called Trisomy 18, but she saied mabey it is nothing. They want us to see a specialist for to be on the save side. How could that be? Yesterday everything was still fine. How could that change so fast?!Following Monday we had an appointment at the perinatal specialist in Syracuse. We still tried to hope for the best
. They made a level 2 US . The doctor came in, after we waited for an hour in his office. We still thought " If they let us wait so long, mabey everything is ok?! They are not in a hurry!" He started " I just can confirm what your OB/GYN told you. We also found more defects". More defect?! We couldn`t belive what we heared! I couldn`t see anymore, because of all that tears in my eyes! He told us that they also found a heart defect and rocker bottem feet. Then he asked us if we would know what Trisomy 18 is. I told him that I would know. I got the day before information on the internet about it because I wanted to know what they was talking about. He told us he would be really sure that our baby would have this dissorder but he adviced us to have an amnio done. Then he asked us the most horrible question I had ever heared. " You have to think about, if you want to continue the pregnancy or not. If you don`t, you have to be latest in 2weeks in the hospital." I thought I didn`t hear right! How could he ask me this?! He just told me that our baby is really sick and the chances that she survives the first few minutes or day are almost 0% . And he want to know, if I want to have an abortation. I couldn`t decied this right now!!! I needed time! Before we left we went for to get the amnio done. On the way home we just cried. Why us? Why our baby?We couldn`t understand it. My husband tried to be optimistic and told me to wait for the results of the amnio. Mabey they was wrong. Mabey she (just) had the birthdefect and we could fix the problem?!One week passed by and the phone ranga again. This time it was the genetic counsulor. She asked me if I want to know the results of the amnio. I already knew the result but I wanted to hear it from her! "She has Full Trisomy 18! I want to see you tomorrow at 10am" I saied ok and troped the phone and started to cry. I couldn`t stop anymore. Now it was final! We couldn`t change the outcome anymore! I called my husband and he came straight home from work.
The next morning we went to the office of the genetic counsulor. I just had tears running down my face. She explaiened us in detail how this happened and what we had to expect. The only good news was that it didn`t came from us. We didn`t do anything for to cause this. It was a will of nature. Still I felt guilty. I thought it was my fault! Why wasn`t I able to have a healthy pregnancy a healthy baby! I didn`t had an answer! Then she asked us how we had decieded. If we wanted to carry her to full term or an abortion. We hadn`t thought about this! We told her we needed more time! She told us to call her within the next three days and let her now.
I was angry . I was sad. I just cried and cried.On the way home I told my husband with tears "I thing we name her Leyna Marie! I like this name!" He smiled and saied "OK". So our daughter got her name. Leyna Marie!
At home we started to think about what we would do. Do we keep her or not?! My husband was worry something could happen to me! I knew I couldn`t have an abortion. I already loved her. She was my little daughter. I could feel her move and kick. After talking about all pros and contras we decided to carry to term. I was happy! I didn`t had to decied anymore over her live. We would let nature take care of this.
The weeks pased by and everything during the pregnancy seemed to be normal. We started to build our hopes up again. Mabey the test was wrong. We started to finish the nursery, bought a stroller and created a birthplan. Everything what normal expectant parents do.
At 30 weeks at my weekly apointment we discovered that I had to much amionic fluid. They admitted me to the hospital. They made a pressure amnio and took 2liters amionic fluid out of my belly. They saied they would monitor me for an hour and then I could go home if everything was fine. I went into preterm labor. I was scared. I just hoped" Please, Leyna don`t come today! It`s to early!" I guess she heared my words. After they gave me an magnesium IV and two shots the labor stopped. The next morning I could go home.
The next apointment came and my amionic fluid was at the normal level. I had the feeling I would leacke fluid but the told us I would be fine. We also sceduled with the doctor an appointment for Leyna`s birth. Our plan was it to see Leyna alive. Leynas actually due date was the 13.November, so we decieded to introduce me with patosin ( a drug for to start labor) on the 6.November. Just in case, if Leyna`s heart rate would trop during birth, we would have enough time for an emergancy c-section.
At 32weeks 4days I had my next apointment. I had no contractions. The heartbeat was better then ok. Everything seemed to be fine. Then they examined me and I testet positiv for amionic fluid. My membrane was rupptured. They addmited me rightaway to the hospital and told me I would have to stay there until I was able to deliver the baby with 34weeks. Two weeks hospital, that sounded like fun! I still belived my daughter would be born alive, I still didn`t gave up the hope that she would survive. I thought there are cases where the babys survive the first year. Why not mine?! Just don`t let her come befor 34weeks!
In the evening the doctor stopped by. My husband was outside for to smoke one. He didn`t brought good news. He explained me that he had talked with the doctor of the NICU and they bothe think Leyna would have the best chances for to be born alive if we would get her out tomorrow. She was laying with her feet down , so I would have to have a c-cection. To that my risk for an infection would be to high. If I ever wanted kids again I should decied to have the c-cection tomorrow. I was shocked and cried. Here I was laying in my bed and believed that they would keep my daughter for at least another two weeks in my belly and now there was there this doctor and told me something about tomorrow afternoon. I knew Leyna wouldn`t survive it if they would get her out tomorrow. It was to early, her lungs wasn`t developed enough. I also knew they wouldn`t do anything for to keep a Trisomy 18 baby alive. I was scared. I told him I wanted to decied this with my husband together and I would call him for to let him now. When my husband came back I broke down
. I told him crying what I just heared. He told me he couldn`t handle if something would happen to me. He didn`t want to lose me, so he thought it would be the best if we would have the c-cection. I didn`t knew what was right or wrong, so I saied ok. I didn`t wanna lose Leyna but I also didn`t want to risk my health. I felt guilty and selfish!My husband had to drive home again and report into work for to give his commander an up date on the situation. I spended the night alone in the hospital. I was scared and I cried. My eyes was swollen and red. The nurses tried to calm me down that I could get a little bit rest before tomorrow but I couldn`t sleep.
The doctor from the NICU came over and asked us if we want to se her. She would be alive but she would be a little bit blue because of her heart deffect. She wouldn`t have the omphalocele anymore but she would have a hard time breathing. Sure, I wanted to see and hold my daughter. They brought Leyna over and put her in my husband arms. I toucht her little face. Oh. my god, was she so beautifull. Leyna opened her eyes and tried to cry. That was the best sound I ever had heared in my whole live. My husband put her on my breast while the doctors was still closing my up. She felt so warm! She was a pritty little baby.Our baby! She didn`t looked at all like she was sick!
They broght us in the recovery room. I hold Leyna the whole time in my arms. I just could stare at her. I didn`t knew what to tell her instead of how pritty she is and how much we love her. Sarah our nurse came in and asked us if we want to dress her. We brought some primie close from home with us, so we gave her a bath and dressed her up. She looked so beautifull, so perfect. Ten little fingers and toes. She had daddys nose, a cute little face and like mommy at her birth red blond curly hair. We took a lot pictures of her and Sarah made some plaster mold foot prints from her.
After a few hours we felt how she slowed down breathing and how she started to get colder. I gave her to my husband and he told her how much he loved her. He pressed her on his body and started to cry. We knew we would have to say "Good Bye" soon. My husband gave her back to me. He couldn`t handle it anymore and had to leave the room. His mother followed him.
I was alone with Leyna. I pressed her on me and told her that I will be always with her, that I love her and that she could stoped to fight, now. It would be ok if she would go. I started to sing her her favorit lullaby "Hush,little baby". That always put her to sleep in my belly. Leyna closed for the last time her eyes. She fall peacefully asleep in my arms!
When my husband and his mother came back they saw the tears in my eyes and called for the nurse. She and the doctor came and listened for her heartbeat. Our little angel was gone!
They allowed us to keep Leyna with us in the room until we were ready for to let her go. We kept her for a few more hours. Holding her and kissing her. We all cried. We didn`t want to let her go but we had to. When the nurse came and picked her up it fellt so final. It was so hard to say good bye.
Before the man from the funeral home came to pick her up and fly her to Oklahoma, the nurse came in and asked us if we want to see Leyna a last time. We couldn`t we wanted to remember her how she was when she was alive. Laying warm in our arm and not cold. We couldn`t handle to say "Good Bye" a second time. We didn`t want to make it harder.
Two days leater they let me out of the hospital. My mom and my sister came from Germany to visit and help us with organizing the funeral. On Wednasday we all flew out to Oklahoma for the funeral which was planned for Sunday.
On Friday we went to the funeral home for to bring Leyna all her toys what we want to give with her. My little three year old cousin had drawn a picture for Leyna and gave us one of her stuffe animals. She saied" That Leyna has something to read in heaven!". I think that was so cute from her. It mad me cry and smile at the same moment. My husband and me had bought three times the same teedybear. One for to give with Leyna, one for my husnad and one for me.So, that we always could be close to her. My sister baught a little neckless for her with a heart on it. The heart had a little cross incraved. So, that Leyna would be always protected and would know we love her.It was the first time, since Leyna got her wings, that we would see her again. It was so hard to see her laying in this little casket! I just could look at her. I was thinking " Please wake up Leyna, open your eyes. Then everything will be ok again and we can go home!" I wanted to pick her up and hold her in my arms. Just one more time. But I couldn`t. It was to late!
On Saturday we had family day at the funeral home.A lot of people came. I didn`t knew the most of them. They told us how sorry yhey are.I didn`t even hear what they was saying. I just saw them their mouth moving. I still thought, it`s just a bad dream. This didn`t really happened!
On Sunday we had the service. My sister and my husbands older brother was reading a letter we wrote for Leyna. They also played two songs we choose. "In My Daughters Eyes" and "I Can Only Imagine". Today would be the last day we would see our daughter! I still didn`t belive that she was gone. I didn`t want to belive!
At the cemetary we all waitet until they let the casket in the grave. Everyone of us did throw a red rose in her grave and we all realesed pink heart shaped ballons. The pink hearts stood for our love and we relesed them as a sing that we had to let her go. My husband cousins eight year old son didn`t want to realese his ballon. He didn`t want to let go of the ballon like we didn`t want to let go of Leyna.
The next morning we flew back to Syracuse,NY. It was hard to leave my little girl in Oklahoma behind. Knowing that I couldn`t go to her grave every day and talk to her. But at least I kenw she would be with her great-grandparents. They would watch over her until we would see her one day in heaven again.
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